Even though masturbating in childhood is normal and age-appropriate, seeing your kid masturbating can be confusing to know how to handle it as a parent. 

Developmental experts and child educators agree - child masturbation is normal and age-appropriate behaviour. What’s unnatural is not masturbation but the lack of education we receive that makes it difficult to discuss this very common, normal behavior. But hopefully, by the end of this article, you have more data-backed information and tools to make this topic easier to talk about. 

Why do kids Masturbate?

Not all kids will masturbate, but most do, whether you know about it or not. As parents, our job is to help make sure they are safe, protected, and informed about their bodies without shame. (Since shame usually only leads to confusion and secrecy.) 

Masturbation is something that kids usually discover as they are exploring their bodies or play. Masturbation in children isn’t even ‘sexual’ in terms of how adults think about it. It’s as simple as the discovery of ‘hey it feels good to touch this part of my body!’It might be something that they do occasionally. 

Or it might be something that they do regularly. 

Some kids might rub their genitals at nap time, when watching the tv or when they are bored, stressed, need comfort, or tired.

So as well as feeling nice, it is a behavior that can soothe and relax them, somewhat like thumb sucking and hair twirling. You could look at it as another way that kids manage their feelings.

What to do When You Find Your Kid Masturbating

Knowing what to do when your young kid masturbates can often leave you with more questions than answers (we feel you!)

First of all, take a deep breath. Try not to panic and get upset if you find your child touching their genitals. Most parents received negative messages about our bodies and masturbation, so the goal is to break that cycle and not pass on more negative messages that can harm our kids' self-esteem, body image, and later on, their comfort with sex as an adult.

Second, Create safety by reminding them that masturbation or touching their genitals is a "private activity" that should happen in a "private place". It can take a lot of reminders until kids fully understand the concept of privacy.

You could say try saying something like,  “It’s okay to touch your penis/vulva. But, because it is a private part of your body, you should only touch it in a private place, like your bedroom. So if you want to do that...You should go to your bedroom.” You can then send them to their room, but make sure it’s not seen as a punishment, but rather a safe, private place.

They might need a lot of reminders before they start to remember this automatically. 

If you, as Mom or Dad, are uncomfortable talking about the subject, the child may pick that up and interpret it with guilt or shame. We suggest that parents practice talking about what to do when young kids masturbate with each other or with trusted friends first.

Once the conversation is underway Try to just accept whatever direction the conversation goes. Your kid might have more questions, not want to speak about it, want to know about your habits, or be too embarrassed to discuss further. All that is fine; practice patience, and honesty, and remember it takes a lot of courage to forge ahead. Even if you must continue the conversation later, assure your child that you’ll talk about it again and answer all his/her questions. 

Remember: If we are silent, the only voice our children hear is our culture’s voice. This includes all the icky media and internet content.

When should I worry about it?

Usually, there isn’t anything to worry about it. Child masturbation is just normal age-appropriate behavior.

The only time that you should be worried is when:

• It becomes compulsive. i.e They do it ALL the time
• It begins to interfere with normal life. e.i. every time they sit on their bike they spend more time rubbing themselves on the seat than actually riding it
• Or it stops your child from doing other things. e.i. they choose to masturbate rather than play with a toy or friend

*If you believe your kid's behavior in this area is excessive or compulsive, or if its onset is coupled with circumstances or events that trigger more severe behavior, immediately consult with a trained counselor.

Don’t make your child feel wrong for masturbating.

Masturbating is something almost everyone does, and there should never be any shame attached to it. The way you talk to your child about masturbation, especially your tone, can make a lasting impression. 

“Be calm, warm, and matter-of-fact”, when addressing the potentially touchy subject.

Parenting is a hard job, and kids have a way of forcing us to confront the parts of ourselves we’d rather ignore. We need to permit ourselves to seek help when we need it, to know that we don’t have to have all the answers, and we don’t have to do this alone. Hopefully, as your kid learns things for the first time, you’ll learn alongside them and realize that this subject matter - and everything that comes later - can be easier than movies or history would lead us to believe. You can do it! 

Thankfully there are helpful resources that promote a healthy understanding of masturbation. Check out our Yoni Magic Books Series for more on this topic and also an entire comprehensive sex education curriculum.